|Self-reflection: Current Progress (HVTEC 57, Musician)
||[Nov. 10th, 2006|10:04 pm]
"God is asking something of you. Do not be afraid..."--Fr. Steffes in Confession
What is God asking me to do?
I like to think i've made alot of progress and though I constantly commit the same act, I like to think I am taking at least a few steps forward. It seems though that its 1 step forward and 100 steps back. Yet I am at a Loss.
I Have been making progress I think: I've started to love myself, started to be comfortable not having a girlfreind. I've started to fill myself again. I've even started to see light in my Dark Night.
Yet it is all just a start, and a pretty meek one at that. God is calling me to so much MORE!
What am I supposed to do right now, in THIS moment, in this situation. I never know, I can never tell, I am eternally lost. Sometimes i think god is speaking to me, telling me what to do in my indecisiveness, but then i think, "Who am I that God should speak to me?", and i pass it off as merely a personal feeling or thought that is causing me to lean towards a certain decision...Oh Lord please help me to listen and to know when it is You I am hearing!
I want to desire more. I remember during Totus Tuus when i so desired humility and sainthood, and when my heart ached for unbelievers. I was passionate even though I was wrought with sin. Now I feel wrought with sin AND lukewarm. I desire to be desirous, but even in that I am not passionate. WHY AM I LIKE THIS....WHY CAN I NOT FEEL???!!! I think thats really what most of this comes down to. I'm having trouble feeling...anything at all. Have I shut myself off? Has something hardened me? Again I know nothing.
I wish i could put myself out there, I wish I could be vulnerable. What stops me? Rejection? Probably somewhat...but i've built up a decent tolerance to that lately. Again I know nothing.
"Hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is." I fear i have become indifferent, have become APATHETIC...WHY, OH LORD, WHY?!
I hate how i make assumptions and jump to conclusions...especially concerning girls having feelings for me. It's one of the stupidest assumptions I continually make, and its PRIDEFULL! Lord Grant me humility.