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Song: My Soul Waits (HV TEC 58) [Mar. 23rd, 2007|11:14 pm]
strivingsoul
[Tags|]
[Current Location |Alverna Center Dinning Room]
[mood |peacefulpeaceful]

*Excerpts from Psalms 130/131*

Lord I wait for your redemption
To cleanse my murky soul
My soul waits and hopes on your word
I trust now and forevermore

Out of the depths I cry to you
Lord hear my voice
Out of the depths I cry to you
Redeem my murky soul

Do not hide your face from me
Lord take this sin away
Banish me not away from you
Break this mortal chain

My soul waits
My heart hopes
In you I trust
Now and forevermore
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Song: Oh Mommy [Dec. 11th, 2006|11:07 pm]
strivingsoul
[Tags|]
[Current Location |St. Thomas More Chapel]
[mood |hopefullonging]

Oh Mommy I need you now
I can't Do this alone
I'm just a little child
And i've lost my way
My heart is feeble and I know nothing
So to You I look
To you I run

Oh Mother wrap me in your arms
Oh Mother dry my tears
Oh Mother show me the pathway
Oh Mother lead me to him

Oh Mommy I need your love
To make me feel alright
I'm just a little child
And I'm scared of the night
My childhood dreams are turned to dust
So to you I look
To you I must run

Oh Mother bring me to your son
The one who's love should be all I need
Help me be totally His
So I can finally be happy
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Self-reflection: Love of Another....Pure? [Dec. 3rd, 2006|10:59 pm]
strivingsoul
[Tags|]
[Current Location |St. Thomas More Chapel]
[mood |confusedconfused]

My heart aches with the feelings I have for her...the thing is, I think I may be too attached to these feelings. I love the way i feel about her, but hate the way it makes me feel. Maybe I don't really feel the way i think I do? Maybe I should Define it. Again, too many questions, too little answers.
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Self-reflection: Judgement [Dec. 3rd, 2006|10:31 pm]
strivingsoul
[Tags|]
[Current Location |St. Thomas More Chapel]
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]

I'm such a horrible sinner, I dont understand where I get the notion that I, in anyway, can judge another person about how good of a Christian they are. Who am I to judge someone's personal and intimate relationship with Christ? Who am I to judge where thier heart is? Yet, it makes me both angery and sad when people dont try harder to be better Christians...but I dont think i can honestly say I do all that I can myself. Maybe I should just focus my thoughts on myself and not worry about others?
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Song: "I am Weak" [Dec. 2nd, 2006|12:24 am]
strivingsoul
[Tags|]
[Current Location |St. Thomas More Chapel]
[mood |lonelylonely]

*Excerpts from psalms 3,5,6*

Lord I dont knwo why you test me
Sometimes i think i'm down and out
I just want to give up
And my heart aches
Lord i wish you would deliver me
But i know that you may not
So i run to you for strength

Lord have pity on me I am weak
Here my cry for help my God and King
All night long tears drench my bed
But you oh Lord are my shield
Safety comes from you

I feel as everything disappoints me
Like the world is up in arms
It's one let down after another
I feel my time is running out
Everything is slipping away
But I know this brings me closer to you
So give me strength to pursue

Lord calm my heart
Fill me with love for you
Bring me closer while I suffer
Make me cry out to you
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Self-reflection: Current Progress (HVTEC 57, Musician) [Nov. 10th, 2006|10:04 pm]
strivingsoul
[Tags|]
[Current Location |Chapel of Mary of the Angels]
[mood |confusedlost]

"God is asking something of you. Do not be afraid..."--Fr. Steffes in Confession

What is God asking me to do?

I like to think i've made alot of progress and though I constantly commit the same act, I like to think I am taking at least a few steps forward. It seems though that its 1 step forward and 100 steps back. Yet I am at a Loss.

I Have been making progress I think: I've started to love myself, started to be comfortable not having a girlfreind. I've started to fill myself again. I've even started to see light in my Dark Night.

Yet it is all just a start, and a pretty meek one at that. God is calling me to so much MORE!

What am I supposed to do right now, in THIS moment, in this situation. I never know, I can never tell, I am eternally lost. Sometimes i think god is speaking to me, telling me what to do in my indecisiveness, but then i think, "Who am I that God should speak to me?", and i pass it off as merely a personal feeling or thought that is causing me to lean towards a certain decision...Oh Lord please help me to listen and to know when it is You I am hearing!

I want to desire more. I remember during Totus Tuus when i so desired humility and sainthood, and when my heart ached for unbelievers. I was passionate even though I was wrought with sin. Now I feel wrought with sin AND lukewarm. I desire to be desirous, but even in that I am not passionate. WHY AM I LIKE THIS....WHY CAN I NOT FEEL???!!! I think thats really what most of this comes down to. I'm having trouble feeling...anything at all. Have I shut myself off? Has something hardened me? Again I know nothing.

I wish i could put myself out there, I wish I could be vulnerable. What stops me? Rejection? Probably somewhat...but i've built up a decent tolerance to that lately. Again I know nothing.

"Hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is." I fear i have become indifferent, have become APATHETIC...WHY, OH LORD, WHY?!

I hate how i make assumptions and jump to conclusions...especially concerning girls having feelings for me. It's one of the stupidest assumptions I continually make, and its PRIDEFULL! Lord Grant me humility.
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Song: "Give Yourself" (TT--Mankato, day 3) [Aug. 8th, 2006|11:38 pm]
strivingsoul
[Tags|]
[Current Location |Adoration Chapel]
[mood |hopefulhopeful]

I used to think i was all alone here
I used to think no one could care
I had a deep sadness inside me
One that i could not bare
Though sometimes I still feel this
Though sometimes my heart still aches
Lord when you give yourself to me
With fullness my soul quakes

So wont You give yourself to me
Wont You fill me up with You
Lord my soul it feels so empty
But with your body i'm renewed
Lord you died but you're still with us
I can recieve You everyday
Lord you gave up your body
And still do everyday

When your people walked the desert
You gave them mana to be filled
But everlasting life still wasn't gained
Now with your new covenant
That you died to make with us
You give your blood and body
So heaven we can see

Lord fill me up
Wash away my sins
Give yourself to me
Without you I starve
Without you I die
Lord reside in me
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Song: "Glass Wall" (TT--Brainerd, day 3) [Aug. 8th, 2006|11:14 pm]
strivingsoul
[Tags|]
[Current Location |St. Andrews Church]
[mood |confusedlost]

Oh God why are you distant
Earnestly I pray
But they rise up when my heart does not
And alone I remain
I pray every moment
That I may know you again
But Lord I just can't feel You
Distant You are

It's as if a glass wall
Is keeping us apart
Lord I see You everyday
But I cant feel You in my heart
Shatter all the barriers
Break through all the walls
Lord help me run to you
Lord hear my calls

Lord I'm stuck on feeling
And torn within my heart
I cant simply comprehend
The feelings when they start
Help me understand Lord
Give me faith on mostly fact
Help me believe You're next to me
Help my faith get on the tracks

Lord I dont feel You
But I still know You're there
Just help me to have faith Lord
That You are oh so near
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Song: "Dark Night" (TT-Mankato, day 2) [Aug. 7th, 2006|11:30 pm]
strivingsoul
[Tags|]
[Current Location |Adoration Chapel]
[mood |confusedLost]

*Excerpts from Psalm 22, Hosea 2:16*

Oh my God why have you forsaken me
Why can I not feel Your embrace
My faith has fled and yet I know You're there
I only long to see Your face

Its the Dark Night of my Soul
And my heart is feeling cold
There's nothing I can do but turn to You
Though I can't feel You in my heart
Lord I know You're all about
So help me out
Illumine my soul

By day I call but You do not answer
And by night I have no relief
Lord I cry and beg that You return
But I cant find my belief

Lord lead me to the desert
And move within my heart
Lord help me get through this one night
Though I know you wont abandon me
I have human frailty
So hold me in your arms
And speak with me
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Self-reflection: Vocations (TT-Brainerd, day 3) [Aug. 1st, 2006|11:21 pm]
strivingsoul
[Tags|]
[Current Location |St. Anthony Parish]
[mood |sadsad]

I realize that I dont think I will be good at any vocation. I am not the preistly type; I could never deal with that schedule, I would hate being in charge of a large parish, and I can't be put in charge of people's souls like that becuase i would end up leading them astray. In marriage i dont feel like i would make a good spouse. I am not really relationship material, and i would screw up too much to keep any girl around enough for them to love me like that. Plus, my body isn't made for being attracted to I think. I dont think i could handle the amount of prayer and community of religious life, for i struggle immensley with prayer, and I like to be alone much of the time. Finally, i fear single life would depress me. I would get lonely and depressed and not devote my time to the church and live out my vocation fully.

I know as i am writing all these things that they are just excuses. I know that through God I can do anything, I'm just soooo afraid of myself that I make excuses. I dont know if i want to know what God is calling me to do becuase I dont know what I really want. But again, its not about what I want, its about what He wants.
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